I took this vid at my old place in Erskineville. Again, I’m ..

I took this vid at my old place in Erskineville. Again, I’m not great with dates and years, but I'd estimate it'd be approx 2012. But that’s probably wrong. Anyway, I had only recently moved out of my own place when the rent skyrocketed and fortunately my friends living at this place had a spare room.

It was quite a cute place, but also quite soulless. The guy who built those places owned the bar across the road and slapped them up to avoid noise complaints. I lived with a couple of good friends though so it was fine. I was performing at the bar across the road, there was a petrol station/convenience store there too, I was a five minute walk away from what was and is the super fashionable suburb of Newtown.

I'm not sure what I'm eating here. It's just everything in the fridge. Pot luck pig out, I suppose. I did that every Sunday. Cleared out all the leftovers into one giant meal. My flatmates were big boys and there was always leftover Dominos and Thai takeaway and random cookings from the last few days stacked up. They appreciated the weekly fridge douche.

Come to think of it, they really weren't that big. I thought they were at the time, but of course, "big" is relative. I was probably around 75kgs in this video, and I would estimate them as being circa 90kgs. For perspective, all three of us were all about 180-190cms tall. I wasn't attracted to them, but their attitude to food I found remarkable. It was a house of hedonism when it came to such things. If one person wanted pizza for dinner, we'd make sure we had enough for everybody, but the other two people wouldn't consider that their meal for the evening, so they'd make or order their dinner... enough for themself and the other two.

As much as I'd like to say we sat around and stuffed each other and rubbed guts and all that, it was actually much nicer. We'd sit at an old wooden table in the backyard and watch the sunset under the balcony above's fairy lights. None of us really drank alcohol at home, so we'd each have a great big 1.25L bottle of Coke or something. I never really thought about how much we were eating. It just was what it was. In retrospect it was crazy. I was still trying to keep my weight in check at this point, because I was still performing. But I was conflicted. I knew what I wanted, but it still felt like a fantasy. It felt like something other people do. It felt like something to read about and wank to.

Someone came into my life online at that point. It's literally not possible for him to have been more antipodean though. It felt so perfect. But it also sucked. Not many people have ever, even to this day, unlocked me how he did. Sounds gross, but bear with me. Compared to what it is now, internet communication was still in, lets say, it's adolescence. We had an e-relationship(?) that lasted... I don't even know how long. At least a decade. I shan't bore you today with all the wonderful things that made said e-relationship one of the most elysian and yet melancholy eras of my life. I'll go into that another time if anybody is interested. I'll ask my psychiatrist for her records.

Everything about us aligned so well, he really inspired me beyond that idea of gaining being other. Through the encouragement, he taught me that this was something I was capable of. He may not think of it thus, but having someone to cheer me on in that regard showed me that I was allowed to participate. Not just in fat related activities, but that I was allowed to make choices for myself. That I am not other. That what I want I should be empowered to achieve.

Anyway, once we finally met in real life, things went to absolute shit and I've never really recovered. Here's a video of me eating noodles.