feeling heavy today 🐈‍⬛ 😔 sorry in advance for getting dark ..

feeling heavy today 🐈‍⬛ 😔 sorry in advance for getting dark on main, i will be back to horny mode very soon but today i just need to grieve this cat. you can skip this post if you want. this one is for me. sometimes i just post here cause i feel like it cause it’s a sort of digital diary for my art posts and my emo posts along with my nudes. feeling heavy cause one year ago, my family cat passed while i was watching her.

second pics are from the area where i buried her in a park, i still remember the tree and i actually visited today a year later. it just brought up a lot of emotions. 🍃this cat was terminally ill, she was 20 yrs when she passed and the vets initially said that she wouldn’t live past 2 because she always had medical issues. sometimes life defies all logic. (and death—i’ve been watching that netflix series Surviving Death and it’s very insightful and not how i expected it to be. i don’t believe death is the end of consciousness but it still is very sad and affects the people who experience the deaths of others around them)

so i was watching her last year while my mom had no one else to watch her, and it was emotionally taxing. she never really got along with my boys and i don’t have many pics of her (except in the second to last picture, which is an anomaly in both of those things). last picture is me reading from Tim Leary’s Psychedelic Experience based on the Tibetan Book of the Dead, in her final days while she was still active. that whole time just before covid was so fucking stressful on a personal level - i was watching the sick deteriorating cat, i had received an eviction notice from my building (weirdly, covid stopped this), i was working full time at a stressful job plus my freelance film work, and i was getting ready for an art show and a music show. the day before the cat expired i was working on my music set, running through it a few times because i had limited time to rehearse, and only afterwards remembered that some cats don’t like loud music. my boys don’t care lol cause they’re used to it, but having that frail cat be in my care was really nerve racking and for some reason filled me with guilt even tho i was doing everything i can to be attentive and caring.

she passed before my mom could see her, which is probably for the best cause my mom was emotionally attached to her and prob shouldn’t have seen the sad last days. it was the first time i’ve ever seen a living thing turn inanimate and i vividly remember going to the park very early in the morning to bury her under a beautiful but morbid looking tree. may she rest in peace 🐈‍⬛

i always thought this cat was kind of weird, (i just called her “cat” or “judy”) but she was really special to my mom so i’m gonna honor her today. i’m gonna take some time offline and just reflect and get the morbid emotions out a little bit, and resume the horny activity soon. i have a sexy post for you today also, to offset the sad vibes <3

there’s a few horny pics in this post from this time last january, and right now even tho i remember it as a shitty time i’m grateful to have survived last year on so many levels 💐

sending yall some love and peace and joy today, even tho it sounds cheesy, those things are important 🖤