cow shower video! 🐮 🐄 🚿 (also long post ahead so just a lil..

cow shower video! 🐮 🐄 🚿
(also long post ahead so just a lil ⚠️ Wednesday warning ⚠️ )

posting this at a weird time but insomnia be damned. a throwback to the last time I got a hotel 🖤 ahhh ok so after my last campaign I booked a room at a cute hotel, one that has super pink princess vibes that I think you'll like a lot, at the end of June. I know it's a bit of time to wait, but still I'm super excited - much new hotel content incoming, and the ppl who tipped on that post will get juicy extras 💗 I'm really excited to have something to look forward to cuz honestly I've been having an existential and melancholic past few days (eclipse season? my fragile psyche?) and just in general been feeling disillusioned.

✨ *most of the time, what I post is catered to you. however, this is indulgently for me. sorry in advance...* ✨

the majority of you here are very respectful and so pleasant to interact with; I feel lucky to have cool subscribers. a lot of weird cool people gravitate towards me and that's awesome, I appreciate you! however every once in a while I will encounter people who cross my boundaries who I immediately have to block, or block after a taxing interaction. I shouldn't be complaining cause I love what I do and I love my job (and yes, this is a job - just like you have your office job or desk job or service job, and this is my source of income) but there are some days when I log on and log right back off because I'm mentally exhausted and have to take the day to reconcile with feeling dehumanized. this comes with the territory but it still sucks.

I don't mind being objectified - in fact I like being the object of your fantasy*. hell, I objectify myself all the time. I love being the digital projection of your cyberhorny desires. I love hearing about your fetishes and bringing them to life. I love that you think I'm hot and I kind of am in consistent disbelief that people find me attractive. it's all very Baudrillardian and hyperreal. in the words of Rachael from Blade Runner, I'm not in the business, I *am* the business. I *am* the fantasy. I *am* the product. however there is a difference between being objectified and being dehumanized. it's strange detangling a passion project that intersects with being a service job. and much like in the real world where there are assholes who fail to tip waitstaff or are assholes to valets/baristas/servers/nurses, there are such people here who fail to consider that underneath my thigh highs and elven anime tits I am simply a person with feelings, goals, desires, good days, bad days, just trying to exist in this fucked up dystopian world. just trying to make some juicy art and make some filthy conceptual porn lol 😂

in February I started working very loosely on a thesis that I wish to get academically published, that pertains to the metaphysics of doing online SW and my experience of only fans in particular. and don't worry - if this thesis cums to fruition I will not cite any specific interactions because that is all private between us, i respect your privacy as I expect you to do mine, and the whole point of this piece of writing is to explore my being on here conceptually, existentially, ontologically. this has more to do with me trying to create clarity out of chaos on a bigger level, using only fans as my artistic medium. all I mainly want is to make sense of my life and heal my traumas through art and introspection.

every year my art practice takes on a different path; last year I made an album (I'm still making music this year but nothing released publicly yet); in 2019 and 2018 I made experimental films; this year I feel called to write, and I consider OF a complete art form all in itself, so this thesis would dovetail my passions quite elegantly (or so I hope lol).

truthfully I haven't worked on it too much because I find my creativity derailed by depression, but every once in a while I will have a writing spurt and an a-ha moment and totally violate my notebook or fuck shit up on notes app lol. I occasionally will post long form essays (?) like this on this one over here too - shockingly some of you enjoy them which is why my crazy ass continues to free associate up in this bitch.

yes income is very important to me, and of course I want to make a living, I am immensely immensely thankful to y'all who contribute to me. my trajectory as an obscure artist to someone who can pay my rent with this is not something I take for granted - but notwithstanding in the grander picture I think a lot of people miss the point of why I personally do this. the last thing I want is to keep explaining myself. I resent doing that, I prefer my art to be interpreted by the viewer. however when my work is so intimately tied to my body and personality, I too often feel the need to explain myself. I kind of go back and forth on that - I think in the near future I will make a pinned post about the mechanics of my profile, a more comprehensive tip menu, links to my past films for those who wish to see, etc.

I don't know the longevity of how long I will continue. I wish to do this for as long as possible, but if it gets not fun for me anymore, then I see no point. for the near future tho as far as I can see, I still love it 💗 it's just isolated days/episodes that get exhausting. do you ever get frustrated at work? yeah, same. but thankfully it's only temporary, just a moment in time.

my goal is to have this thesis finished, at least in a long outline form, by the end of the year. with the demotivation that comes with my depression I may have to give myself an extension into 2022, but I also know that when I'm truly inspired I work very fast. like Sonic lol 😂 💙 I see a lot of creators making stuff like "this is how I got successful on OF" "these are the formulaic instructions on how to become a top creator" etc. and while I think yesss get that bag sis, I think a lot of those posts are cringe and bunch of bullshit and emotionally masturbatory and full of ego; there's a lot of dark psychological undercurrent that gets left out of the conversation. maybe it's because I think of things in a very dense and obtuse and academic way (of course I would be the fucking bitch to make only fans pretentious lmao - someone called me " a mix of Riley Reid and Sylvia Plath" recently and I am actually flattered by that) 💗 or maybe it is because I'm jealous of the 18 years old who make 20k a month on those formulaic promotional strategies and basic nudes lol - I believe if I followed a formula to completion and really studied the market, taking 10-12hrs out of my day to suck the algorithm's dick, I could have a very high amount of success and subscribers. however, I would rather cater to my niche and feel the freedom of posting the type of content that's true to my vision, some of it maybe being more generic and pornographic, others more obscure and conceptual. I hate marketing and advertising. the people who need to find me will find me and it will be aligned. when I look back at the end of my life I want to be proud of putting my heart and soul into my work (art, porn, writing, existing, whatever) and I always say this to myself, I want to be eternal instead of trendy.

society is such that most people will gravitate towards what is easily digestible. most men consume the same type of porn, the subset of it being veryyoung women of the fetishized 18-19 age range. (hmm I actually will probably put a chapter about this in my thesis). I literally had someone unsubscribe from my page his exact words being "eww I thought you were like 18-19" 🙄 I'm in my late 20s and I have posts about going to college, applying to grad school, holding down a professional job in my past industry, being a working artist, etc. so basically dude was stupid af 😂 I get that t33ns/age are fetishized in a creepy way and to each their own, but I personally still find it exploitative and cringe. (he was in his mid 30s for reference...) 🥴 if me being older than you think is a problem, go ahead and unsubscribe. for what it's worth tho, when I was 18-19 or even in my early 20's I was so busted looking lol and even more seriously struggling with mental health issues which showed on my body that I could have never found success on OF or anywhere that involved looks; I still have pain but I manage it and take much better care of myself now. I was like psychedelics-obsessed super nerd and a crypto prodigy in the early years of its genesis. I don't fuck with it anymore but maybe my next post will be about that - the origin story of how I bought my Tesla and how my whole life I was an egirl lol. when I was little I would play video game championships and win a lot of stuff, mostly Pokemon merch. I'm still a super nerd in a hot girl's body so I might be living my dream. I didn't choose this life, this life chose me 😤

* btw... yes I like being an object of your fantasy but not your reality - oh my goddd I can't believe this even needs to be said but do not even ask about seeing me irl it is an absolute no-no and will get you blocked! if I ever have like a convention or a party or something that I want strangers to attend I will publicly announce it, and it will not be in a sexual context, more along the lines of an art show, but that is so fucking far into the future I cannot even fathom right now. I don't think you guys understand the extreme pathological anxiety that I deal with every day. I'm an individual with big dreams and small serotonin.

that's it! eat it and chew it. I have nothing more for you today; I am taking a sabbatical. tomorrow I'll be back with the regular sexycontent. I got my laptop back finally so I have my work cut out for me -- organizing over 100,000 of my naughty media files which is a herculean task, and then making brand new content for you soon! 🥺 something to look forward to this month. those of you for whom this post wasn't a turn off, thank you for reading 💗🥺