ENTER MY MATRIX Y OR N ??? 🖤❎ ⛓🖤 Someone asked me if this c..

ENTER MY MATRIX Y OR N ??? 🖤❎ ⛓🖤

Someone asked me if this career choice was “right for me” given my mental fragility and the amount of emphasis on “likes” and looks in this field, and I have a lot to say about this. This is like what my whole Cyberhorny thesis is about! While a bit presumptuous, it is a good question and one I have thoroughly thought about as well. I have the self awareness to realize online work does a number on the serotonin/dopamine receptors your brain, but I’ve been doing this long enough to be used to it and in most cases transcend it. Our neural wiring gets very fucked up in the cyber world and the validation machine (many jobs are online now too and unfortunately looks and likes are as emphasized on LinkedIn/the workplace as they are on OF/sex work), but I also think it’s important for me to make art and writing about this because few people do and it’s a major topic that needs to be discussed.

Also, I enjoy what I do. I wouldn’t ask anyone “hey are you sure is this the right career path for you? I think maybe you should do something else” … There is a perceived false intimacy that you get from interacting with me here because I share quite a bit about myself, overshare sometimes, but really y’all don’t know the full story. You know an iota of my Internet personality. You will project certain things on me, like fantasies and assumptions, and I don’t mind. As long as you’re nice to me (or your critique has a logical backing and not just ad hominem attacks) I genuinely enjoy these interactions.

It’s strange being vulnerable online about things like my psyche and meta analysis about my job. As far as my depression goes, this line of depressive thinking would happen to me no matter any profession I am in. I would rather do something I really enjoy like this, than something I fucking hate — here, I am more able to express my grievances, whereas in another line of work I would hold it in (it would be fairly inappropriate to be “vulnerable” with vanilla job like waitress or lawyer clients, just think about it) and honestly I think that is worse. So yes I may candidly complain, but in the grand scheme of things I am self aware enough to know that the depressive episodes are temporary, failure and success is cyclical, I will still have my mental illness regardless of what I do in life. All I can do is my best to manage myself and use the tools I’ve learned in therapy.

This is *THE BEST POSSIBLE* profession for me at this moment in time based on three factors: enjoyability, lucrativeness, and physical ease of work.

I am creatively and intellectually passionate about what I do. Digital parasocial sexuality is an unexplored terrain and I want to be a pioneer, a psychonaut of this in a way. My porn has aesthetic and sentimental value to me.

The ability to make a living working from home is essential to me and I cannot emphasize that enough. I can’t do 9 to 5 work, I have a hard time holding down jobs that are easy for most “normal” people, and I get exhausted easily. Chronic fatigue sucks ass. Working from home is a godsend. Yes I wish I was more popular and more lucrative and yes I wish other things in my life (like having rich supportive parents) were a possibility. But for the most part I’m happy with my work. I understand the curiosity about whether this is right for me, but at the risk of sounding like a bitchy cunt it’s no one’s business but my own.

This is an interesting topic and I know several of you think about this which is why I am posting such a long thing again lol, but you don’t have to worry about whether it is right for me! It is.

The issue here is not others’ perceptions of my compatibility with this profession, but rather my mental and physical illnesses that grate at the compatibility of me and *any* profession. The second I truly stop wanting to do this, I will, and I do have times when I want to give up. In a major sense my wanting to give up extends to life in general, the first thing to go being my work. I do believe I am strong enough to continue, it just takes a tremendous amount of effort from me. After the pressure and the stress I’ve endured in the past year(s) I would have a mental breakdown no matter field I was in. I’ve already had several meltdowns and it just happens that here on my OF for better or worse you have access to a slice of them 😪

The past few weeks especially have been difficult for me, the holidays really weigh and strain on my psyche, and coupled with these being the slowest months of the year in sex work it makes sense that it comes out in my emotional posts haha

So I just want to clarify! I know what I’m doing. I willfully enjoy doing this. This is my job and how I make my living. I may not be the best creator but I love my job. I believe I am allowed to complain about it too, as most people naturally complain about work and even a dream job will never be perfect, although maybe I should stop posting long emotional things because vulnerability is an easy target for people to be rude and disrespectful. Obviously I will not be doing OF forever but I want to make it last as long as possible while I’m attractive to you, lucid enough to create amazing work, and have passion for what I do.

Thank you for coming to my Ted talk 🖤💚
Swipe for super cute pictures of my kitten in the second half of this post 🥺 🎀 💕