Hiiiii happy Monday, this isn’t a scheduled post it’s me, I ..

Hiiiii happy Monday, this isn’t a scheduled post it’s me, I made a long ass video. 💖💝 I’ll be answering messages today and slowly getting back into work this week 💕 thank you so much for your patience and support, I can’t emphasize that enough! 💖🥺

Bonus: boobs,💞🦭 Booba, and nudes!

I still feel and look like shit. I still experience shortness of breath, coughing, stomach nausea, and general fatigue and soreness. The recovery process is slow, but I’m easing into it and I carved out some time to get cuter and make this long ass rant video about how I’m feeling now. What transpired sucked ass, it was shitty on physical and psychological levels, but I’m on the mend and I’ll be better soon — at least from the immediate flu like symptoms of covid. I have no idea how critical or banal the long term effects might be. It kind of scares and angers me, feeling this limited in my body. My body, which I work with, had betrayed me. I have already been so stressed about the OF stuff from late March/exactly April. Is it too much to ask for good stuff to happen to me? I feel like my life is just a sequence of traumas.

It’s been five months on the dot when I brought home my kitten!! Here’s a bit of a kitten appreciation post and some pics 🥺 she was brought home on the weekend of Nov 17th and it was a full moon, and so she was called Luna (I also call her Lola or little cat), and on the weekend of the 17th there was a full moon and it’s been five (5) months of this little cat in my life 🥺🐣🌸💞

I’m gonna need a lot of rest. I’m struggling because I know I have to go back to work, there are responsibilities and I need money for expenses like medication, therapy, and my cat’s surgery this week, but I don’t have the energy or capacity to make that much, if any, new content. I’m gonna do my best and maybe resurrect some previous sexy content 🔥 but the pressure feels like a lot to me.

Reality seems to escape me. This whole thing just felt very surreal, I like truly know what a world of pain feels like, what the experience of feeling only physical pain is, and the divergent trains of thought of whether to resist it or to let it take you. It’s indescribable. It was like a bomb was in my chest and my stomach, constantly exploding. There was an intake nurse who I checked in with, and I would be groaning and crying asking her what my check in status was, and I waited in the ER for four hours before I was able to be inside, and that woman had no compassion. She told me to wait outside, and condescendingly, “feel better”. The nurse who replaced her after her shift was much kinder and got me in quickly. I realize they deal with so much pain and bullshit from sick people in triage, but when determining which patient is to be seen first, it would make sense to have at the top of the list those who have a visible suffering or those with critical conditions like shortness of breath or fainting. I wasn’t even able to stand up or sit properly because of the pain, and I had to be wheeled around in a wheelchair for a while. Because I’m covid positive, I also had to wait outside. I understand that ER wait times are excruciatingly long, I’ve been in them and I know the triage nurses have a very hard job, but it’s the attitude that bothered me. I watched her straight up ignore patients who went up to the window with a smug grin, idk why I latched on to that detail but I’ve been critically thinking about the way we humans relate to each other. The other nurse was very kind and supportive in dealing with my hysterics and my agony, she administered the IV very gently and was a very caring nurse.

We seem to remember traumas and negativity more vividly in the human memory. I should be thankful to be alive, to have made it to the other side of the hospital stay and to be on the road to healthy again, but I feel very existential about it right now. I’m apprehensive about getting back into work, honestly. This was such a long break for me of not being active that I’m afraid I won’t know what I’m doing anymore. I’m worried about getting back into my art, music, and writing and not being as capable as I was — as if a break detained my capability rather than resetting my mentality. It was a break that’s out of my control and that feels so wrong. I would love a vacation, I want one, I need one, like yesterday lol — but this medical crisis break was so weird. I don’t know what else to say. I’m ranting.

I’m thinking in a broader way about how I exist in the world, what my legacy is, what does it even matter to leave traces of the self behind. It’s so egoic. We all have our own egoic illnesses. I want to create things of beauty and authenticity, and spread joy instead of regurgitating negativity and filth, but the problem of authenticity is it often makes people uncomfortable. I dread having to do marketing and promo and advertising; I haven’t advertised for my OF at all this month, so if you’re here still, thank you so much.

I’ll slowly start answering messages today /tonight /when I’m mentally ready to give you guys good answers and not just like arbitrary words to create a sense of responsiveness, and I’ll slowly start making new content on here. I feel like I’m starting from scratch in some ways. An end can be a new beginning. Thank you for all the little tips and sweet messages and comments and engagement, it’s been so helpful to me ❤️❤️❤️ I sent out an easter pre-scheduled PPV, I was gonna make a post about this but I forgot. Idk if it went through for everyone cause scheduled messages can be weird and glitchy, if you didn’t get it but want to see my pastel princess full length nude videos for a small price, you can tip this post $18 and I’ll send them to you 💕

Please like this post if it shows up on your feed, it would mean a lot to me 🥺💞

Thank you if you watched the videos and read this whole thing ❤️