Warning: Extremely emo long talking videos (and pics)…. at l..

Warning: Extremely emo long talking videos (and pics)…. at least there’s titties. I have errands all day so I will respond to messages and such in the later half of the day. Thank you so much for your patience while I feel like shit for the stupidest reasons and very sorry for the delays

You can skip this post if you don’t want the darksided shit

Not sure why a bath was like the venue for all this nonsense lol but I don’t question the creative impulses when they happen. I took a lot of baths recently and I find it a safe space, a place of healing. My life has had too much stress and overwhelm recently and it comes out in this demonic toxicity of body image pains

My body image is like the first pic in the slideshow recently -_- I don’t even wanna take nude body pics rn I feel fat and bloated. That’s primarily why I haven’t been posting new nudes recently. I feel triggered and limited in my body in so many ways

To offset any triggers about my unsatisfactory naked body: pics of my cute kitten, me sexually identifying with an obese animatronic photoshopped mermaid Jack Nicholson (how I feel right now), pic of my stress rash, glamorous outfit pics from when I was hotter and totally random shit that happens to be on this device at this moment in time; not an organized post, this is unhinged af and too quickly written and too poorly written and a toxic wasteland of stream of consciousness ranting

It was/is the biggest compliment to me when someone tells me I look thin, and no one ever tells me that. I’m emotionally starved for compliments that I’m physically starved

(and the hypocrisy of it murders me — I literally just had a dream that I was murdered and replaced by a robot version of myself that is more “perfect” than my irl self. Freud — what is this)

A few weeks ago a friend in unrelated online conversation unsolicitedly estimated my weight at 108 and this upset me horrendously for various reasons including 1. You never ever EVER discuss other women’s bodies or weights, especially unprompted, much less give them a number, it will Always be derogatory. Knowledge that a friend had a physically-manifesting mental illness should be treated with more consideration. The person also has an ED so should first of all know better to mention numbers online, second of all assigns that number to be fat based on her own distorted thinking, which I see as a betrayal that she sees me as fat. 2. This was around my weight when I was about my heaviest and it’s triggering to me. I feel gross and heavy; I’m very short barely over 5’ so that weight is a high one for my stature. Even in double digits I still look “normal” nor “skinny”. In general I do not look at my weight at all unless medically necessary at a doctor, which unfortunately I have been to a lot lately. 3. It makes me on a shallow level wonder what people who see me nude online think of my body, when before I was empowered posting nudes and getting compliments, now I start to feel overly exposed like people all of a sudden will think I’ve gotten chubby and I freak out. It’s also disgusting because I don’t want to contribute to the already prevalent fat phobia in our society and I personally am attracted to curvier women, but when it comes to my self it’s a different story

Being skinny and little and thin was such a part of my identity that now coming back to social reality after covid feels fucked up that I’ve become a fat troll; I find myself regretting recovering from my ED even tho it can literally send someone into death, and it’s hypocritical because I would never think or say this about someone else and provide such a body positive view on my online presence — right now my entire body view is skewed with the perception of going out irl more and having my picture taken: I just hate it so much even tho I love doing shoots. This is why I love OF because I can control my entire image here and find my flattering angles online; at home I have unlimited time to plan a shoot, style myself in flattering outfits, and edit as I wish. At a irl shoot with the pressure and time constraint I find myself making poor decisions and posing fatly in front of someone else’s camera. My natural body then disgusts me — it affects my anxiety and already despicably low confidence level, and now my income as well because I don’t want to do shoots because I am so disillusioned and triggered. I hope I either lose weight or this feeling goes away magically on its own before Cyber Castle because I would be mortified to do a performance and curate a show while having this anxiety

Fucking first world problems. I fucking hate feeling like this

I talk about this in Cyberhorny too, and try to step outside of myself for objective self awareness, but it’s so hard — the degenerate ways the body is viewed/experienced from within and without, the empty currency of superiority and the self inflicted violence of thinness

Even though many of my chronic health issues are residual from my eating disorder I sometimes unhealthily fantasize about being thin again. It’s insulting when my weight is estimated at higher than what it is. I hate my curvyness, it doesn’t suit me, and I hate being called thicc or healthy or normal. At the same time, I should set an example to others that you don’t need to be anorexic to be successful — it’s the opposite of sexy — and it’s possible to recover from diseases like this. At my unhealthily thinner days I don’t think I would have had subscribers to my OF. Although, I don’t know, the barely legal look can be appealing in its petiteness. But it’s gross imo

I don’t know why I am talking about this to a (primarily) male audience, it’s not like anyone really cares about these kind of intricacies / mental weaknesses on a porn page. I guess I just need a vent. I’ll probably delete this post tomorrow and need a few days to remedy these thoughts before I start feeling acceptably hot to myself again

In the myriad of hundreds of thousands of creators and bodies online, ranging from stick thin to voluptuously Rubenesque, you subscribed to a woman of average build, not skinny or athletic or Mom bod or obese (although the vile intrusive thoughts in my brain may think so sometimes) — a body that’s just a canvas and a vessel — which leads me to think that my personality and engagement is what makes me appealing, and the minimal hotness that I have serves as a pleasant eye candy to go with that personality… it would not be enough to only post my body

Who died and decided that being skinny was attractive? The book I’m reading rn *The Beauty Myth* debunks this very well

Yes I am aware of deconstructing the fat shaming that exists in our society — fat should never be a feeling of inferiority, but it’s so ingrained in the kind of someone who had an eating disorder for over a decade. I do what I can to fight these thoughts but brain got hands. Being thin used to be such a part of identity in another life. I wanted to be extraordinary with an incredible stunning body but the truth is my life, my body, is a temple of meaty averageness, which is eh (soul crushing) but something to be embraced in its own way. There is beauty in the ordinary, the average, the mundane. Now I have so much more, so much of my heart and mind and spirit to share, my art and vision and passion, but yeah these thoughts will occasionally creep up and it’s a pitiful discomfort

It upsets me. It kills my already fragile confidence. But if I don’t share my Recovered body and spread the conquest of these thoughts, even if the journey is nonlinear and has setbacks such as this, I would be doing a massive injustice to both myself and anyone reading who may find themselves affected by these things

Sorry again about the delay in activity and thank you for being patient (I also tbh don’t want to answer any messages until I’m in a less negative and unsexy headspace so a little bit of self care and mindless errands today should help shake this off — don’t worry lol I’m not like this 100% of the time even tho I’m in an area of turbulence rn mentally). I hope you have a stress free day and feel good about yourself and treat your mind+body with the care it needs and deserves. Inspire me to do the same

Health is the most important thing we have in this world and it shouldn’t be underestimated. I have only one body to contend with; I don’t have the money to alter it. I can accept it or destroy it, and the latter is not an option. When we lose our faculties it’s suffocating, sometimes literally. I’ve had a health crisis too many, I don’t want any more

I am going to stop this post now because this is why I have a team of therapists